Honestly fighting with her is so painful. But I can’t stand to be without her. She’s been with me through everything. And I’ve lost her. She doesn’t know this. But a lot of the cuts on me are from missing her and wishing I could talk to her. She’s changed. Which caused me to change too.

Always second best. This is starting to kill me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

chelsea-gang:

Omg. So fucking. Don’t even know. So many emotions..

My dog is dying. The dog that I’ve had since I was 2 is dying. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. She was the one I cuddled when I had no one else. The one that licked the tears of my face. Who smiled at me to tell me everything was going to be okay. Knowing that soon she will be gone, makes me want to make sure she doesn’t arrive in haven alone. Too make sure she’ll make friends and be safe. I’m so scared for her, but I’m scared to see what I’ll be like without her.

Good news though! I got accepted to the new school I applied to transfer too :)! So hopefully next year things will be better, I’ll find better people to hang out with and I’ll be happier. Maybe I’ll even delete this personal, and just be able to cope with everything that happens, day by day. Hoping for the best.

I started talking to him in November. We saw each other all the way up to February. Not a long time, but felt endless. We got in fights. Cuddled and watched tv as if we were a real couple. But I was never good enough to meet his family or his friends or to go anywhere but the back of his car. We wanted to be together but simply couldn’t. He’s 19 I’m 15 almost 16 and the age gap was too big for him. It ended furiously because I wanted to be completely his so bad that I took out the anger that I bottled up on him, and he did the same. We still see each other at work. We don’t talk much, I wish we could talk like we used too when we were ‘together’ when he would drive me home. Buy me little gifts that made me smile. Kissed my nose and tell me I was cute when I blushed. But I can’t. But today….Something about him made me want to just walk up to him when he was on his cash and grab his face and kiss him for so long that everyone knew that he belonged to me and no one else could have him… That the world felt like it was at complete peace. Maybe it was because I’m still hooked on him but he’s starting to forget me. Maybe it was because I missed being at his house and falling asleep in his arms and him waking me up by kissing my forehead. Maybe it was because the hickey that was just above the collar of his shirt screamed out to me that some other girls lips had touched him after mine had left their mark. That even though I haven’t kissed anyone since January, he had. That some other girl left a mark on his neck showing everyone that he was with someone, just like I used to do. Maybe this girl was better than me. Closer to his age. Maybe she was good enough for his parents to meet. Maybe she was good enough for him to tell his friends about. To take out in public and show everyone that he had someone. Maybe she was the girl who topped me. Maybe she had sex with him, something I could never do until I was in a committed relationship, that made him notice that there was someone better than me. Maybe he’s with her right now while I cry over this keyboard typing this. Maybe it won’t be a long term thing. Maybe I can show up at his house the day of my 18th birthday and go out on a date with him. Just like we planned we would. Maybe I’m over thinking things and it’s not a hickey, it’s a bruise because the hockey puck hit his neck and left a mark just like it did in December when I was at his game and he stopped breathing. But then again…Maybe he’s moved on when I’m stuck on something that used to be. They say “Never look back, unless there’s a good view.” Well this view was pretty good. And I’m hoping that I get to see it again.